Tag: loss

Remembering Beyond Loss

My Mom

June 27, 2007 marks the anniversary of my Mom’s death, 9 years ago. How can it be that long ago?

I’ve been thinking about this blog post for a while. I’ll reveal a bit of a secret…writing scares me! Seems silly, right?! When I write, I think I’m the most honest with myself. I find my truth. I think it’s easy to lie to myself inside my head, after all it’s  just thoughts, right? Just a fleeting thought and then I can pretend the thoughts never occurred. BUT, if I write it down, then there is documentation of my thoughts and of my feelings. There is proof! Writing is a form of releasing those pent up thoughts and feelings. In the midst of writing, though, it’s scary. Being honest with myself isn’t easy and I can’t hide from me on paper.

So why do I write if it’s so hard?

Because through the hard stuff is a better me. It’s too easy to walk through life without being honest with myself, without really understanding what I think or how I really feel about an issue or circumstance. It’s too easy to hide and easy never got the good stuff. For me, being honest with myself and knowing my truth means I can live a more centered life. I can be more sure of myself when making decisions, more sure that I know what I want and know, for sure, what really makes me happy. That’s the reward, but it doesn’t mean it comes easy.

Did that make any sense?! I hope I haven’t lost you because there really is a method to my rambling.

The anniversary of my Mom’s death was only a few days ago. 9 years…I can’t believe it’s been that long. My sister got married in March and I went home for her wedding. I also visited my Mom’s grave for the first time since she was buried. Since I live 12 hours away, it’s hard to make it to her grave site between all the other family visits. It’s also rare that I’m alone for any period of time while I’m at home. I knew when I visited my Mom’s gravesite, I would want to go alone and I didn’t want to share where I would be going. This was a very personal time and I didn’t want company or questions from family. I just needed to go.

It was raining and I was beginning to run out of daylight. It had been so long I was afraid I couldn’t remember the location of the cemetary. I kept thinking, “I’m coming, Mama, I’m coming!” I was somewhat frantic in my search, so afraid that I wouldn’t locate the cemetery and I would have to wait several more months before I could attempt to visit again. After driving down a few wrong streets, I saw the cemetery and I was relieved only to have the relief washed away with a new worry of finding her grave. I remembered it was by the main road, so I turned into the first driveway I came to and made the first circle. I found my grandfather’s grave and I got out of the truck to spend a few moments. He passed away when I was a junior in high school. I knew I was close to my mom’s grave! I looked across the main road and thought it must be there. I grabbed the umbrella out of the truck and was struck with sadness that I had not brought anything to put on her grave. I brought nothing to leave with her!! I searched through my bag for something but came up empty handed. I wish I had brought something…anything to leave with my Mother!

I walked across the street and I finally found her. It didn’t matter that it was raining because I had tears streaming down my face anyway. I was caught off guard with how sad it made me feel because she was buried alone. Most of the other headstones around her were of a husband and a wife. Her headstone looked so small compared to the others. As I continued looking at the graves that surrounded her, I saw that she was buried by her grandfather and grandmother and also by her aunt and uncle. This gave me some comfort to know she was surrounded by loved ones.

When I imagined going to visit my Mother’s grave, I always thought I would sit and talk with her; tell her all the many things that had gone on in my life, all the changes that had happened, about Jeff and the kids, etc. If it hadn’t been raining, maybe I still would have done just that. Instead, all it seemed I could do was cry (ugly cry!). I was overwhelmed by how much I missed her. I was overwhelmed at how hard life has been without her love, her advice, her support. It was all too evident of how much of a load I had been carrying on my shoulders. The tears brought some release of the overburdened dam of emotion that my mom is no longer here. I squatted down and traced the outline of her name on the headstone with my fingers. She has two or three angel figurines that someone left for her. I picked those up and examined them. She would be pleased to know that they are there. I left my hand pressed into her headstone just to feel closer to her.

It was raining more and more with barely any daylight left. I felt exposed since her grave was right by the main road and cars were driving by.  I knew I would have to go soon. I told my mom how much I loved her and that I missed her so much! I cried more and walked across the main road and got back into the truck. I drove across the street and parked by her grave to be near her once more. I sat there looking at her grave. I was shredded inside to leave her alone in the cold rain and dark. I didn’t want to leave!

I had no idea visiting my Mom’s grave would affect me so intensely. Maybe I did subconsciously and maybe that’s why it took me so long to visit. That makes sense. It’s hard to experience intense feelings. I’m glad to know the intensity of the experience so I can be more prepared for my next visit.

Mom's present day photo!
Mom’s present day photo.

At Christmas, my grandmother (my Mom’s mom), my aunt (my Mom’s sister) and my sister all took this photo. All 4 of us represent the immediate family left on my Mom’s side. We have all grown closer since my Mom’s death and I cherish every bit of the visits, talks and texts together. Each of us represent my mom. Each of us carry her with us. Each of us keep her memory alive. This represents a present day photo of my mom. Can you see her? She is alive and well. Family is a reflection of those we have lost. For those of you that have lost loved ones, don’t ever lose sight of that! Those we have lost live on within us.

Hope in Loss – A Fierce Perspective

Fierce ForwardI’m excited to share with you a journal entry that I wrote several months ago. I’m also fiercely excited to share with you how I came to write this journal entry. I have been a part of a group called Fierce Forward since, gosh, around 2010. Or maybe I’ve just been a fan of Ashley Johns since then. I first became aware of Ashley when she was competing for (and won!) the Bodybuilding.com spokesmodel campaign. (Sorry, I know I’m going link happy! But this is important to lay the ground work.) Ashley has an amazing weight loss transformation and journey. I encourage you to read her story!

Around 2010, Ashley created a Facebook group called Fierce Forward. Her mantra of Fierce Forward means moving fiercely forward in life, no matter the obstacle. Fierce Forward has evolved into a community of people that aspire to achieve their goals, dreams and to love themselves and own who they are. Ashley also is the creator of the intention bracelets. An intention bracelet is made of African trade beads and adorned with a charm of what I like to refer to as a power word. My first intention bracelet (which Jeff bought for me) was Strength. When wearing the strength bracelet, it helps me intentionally know and own my strength. You can also create stacks of the bracelets called Armor. These bracelets become armor when facing life’s challenges, reminding you to Focus or Breathe or Be, etc.. If you see me, I most likely am wearing one or more of the intention bracelets. My most recent purchase is the Truth intention bracelet, which leads me back to my journal entry.

Fierce Forward is a very active community. Ashley created the Sisterhood of the Fierce Traveling Journal a while back. Basically what this means is that if you want to participate in writing in a journal every week or so, you can be grouped together with 3-4 other women. After you complete your writing for the week, you put the journal in the mail to pass along to your sister. You can write in the journal, draw, paint, use stickers, or use any other medium to express yourself. Ashley usually has a theme for the journaling duration. I have participated in the Sisterhood of the Fierce Traveling Journal for the 4th time now! And actually, writing in these journals is what helped me solidify my desire to begin a blog. Sharing in these journals some of my most innermost thoughts and then putting it in the mail for another person to see is intimidating. But then, reading what the sisters in my group have shared…sharing their vulnerability in their stories of triumph and hurts in life; gave me the courage to begin my blog. We all have a story to tell and I believe that we can learn so much from one another! And if nothing else, we get to connect to each other through similar life circumstances. I am very grateful to Ashley for founding Fierce Forward; for creating a community full of fierceness and positivity, especially in the midst of such a negative, stressful world in which we live!

Soooo….I wanted to share with you one of my journal entries I wrote on May 13, 2015. This journal entry actually fits perfectly after completing my 3 part series last week.

“A healthy relationship, whether it is romantic, brotherly or friendly is when each person is allowed room to grow, un-judged and still loved.” – Unknown

“Here’s the truth about BIG life changes: Some people won’t come with you and that’s OK.” – Unknown

“Both of these quotes resonate with me. I’ve always loved words. To be able to matter-of-factly put into words what I feel is usually a shot in the dark, but I love the idea of being able to speak, to write and describe as eloquently as I can my thoughts and my feelings.

I, fortunately or unfortunately, have more experience with losing people than I care to admit and I have learned the very hard way what healthy relationships look like and what they do not. There was a time in my life where I changed so much so quickly that it literally felt like I lost my family and friends all at once. To be left alone when you need support, encouragement, love and someone to help you pick up the broken pieces….that is probably one of the worst feelings. Feeling like you don’t exist, that you aren’t valuable enough to register on your loved one’s radar. I guess its a lot like being in a glass box in the middle of Grand Central Station…no one can get to you and you can’t get to them. Divided by some invisible layer. Untouchable.

As alone and abandoned as I felt, I know it was for the greater good. I had a therapist tell me once that “the healthier you become, the further away you will distance yourself from the toxic, unhealthy people in your life.”

Some of those people I lost, I lost forever. They were only meant to be in my life briefly. There were others that I lost for only a short amount of time. Distance had to be created for healing to take place. Those relationships that have been restored have helped me regain hope and faith in people…in relationships. That distance and space allowed me the chance to grieve, to think, to heal, to let time help me understand the part of me that has been unhealthy so that I could become a better person. I found grace for myself and that in turn helped me have grace for those who may have hurt me. I can see a bigger picture now. And understand that maybe, just maybe, they were only doing the best they could and that I, too, was only doing the best I could.

Big changes will bring loss. In that loss, there can be hope of restoration, of understanding, reflection, of truth. And hopefully it will bring you to a better place where new or old relationships can allow  you the freedom to be exactly who you are and at the same time allow you enough sturdiness as an individual for people in your life to be exactly who they are.”
– Carlynn Rainey