Perspective Confessions

Tacos for Life

I wanted to make tacos for dinner this week. I have, in my opinion, the BEST taco recipe ever. I’ve made it so many times that I don’t need the recipe anymore….except for this weekend. I hadn’t made it in a while and before going to the grocery store, I wanted to double check that I had all the ingredients. So, I pulled out this 3 inch white binder that holds my taco recipe. But in all actuality, I pulled out so much more than a binder. So many memories came flooding back to me as I opened it. I have dozens upon dozens of recipes in that binder and the majority of those recipes came from when I was in college. I am so thankful to have those recipes, yet sad because that was all I had during that period of my life. Yet I was happy because I was honing my cooking skills and that was one of the only things I did for myself back then. I experimented and I tried new things. Food Network and I were buds!! Most of my recipes came from Rachel Ray, Guy Fieri, Bobby Flay, Emeril Lagasse, Sandra Lee and Paula Deen. But the taco recipe….well, that one doesn’t come from a well known TV chef. I don’t even remember the show’s name, but it was a show for people who were just beginning their cooking journey. The 2 chefs did an excellent job walking through the step by step process of the recipe. This same show is where I also learned how to make garlic into a paste with table salt for homemade guacamole.

Back then, I was a brand new wife living in a mobile home in Starkville, MS. I was also a student, but at the time, I identified as being a wife more. That’s where I placed my worth. I remember cleaning the small, 2 bedroom mobile home so well. I used to buy the scented powder stuff to sprinkle in the carpet and then vacuum it up. It made the place smell so good! This was a time when I actually vacuumed and mopped once a week proudly!

Looking back I was so alone. I didn’t really know anything about anything, but I did escape my life and I got married to start a new one. I had no idea what I was doing, not a clue.

I was so backwards that I really hadn’t had cable and I was enthralled at having TV….maybe that’s part of the reason I loved Food Network so much! All I really wanted to do was sit at home and watch TV. I felt I needed my fill of it.

As I mentioned before, I was also a student. A 20 year old student that was married and lacked very serious social skills. I was at home enthralled with having cable TV and experimenting with cooking different recipes while other students my age were experimenting with pushing boundaries, dating, creating lasting friendships, having fun and creating a future. I didn’t have the skills nor the insight or foresight to know that I should be doing those things. I’m incredibly sad thinking back about the girl in the mobile home who is 20 years old with her whole life ahead of her yet she’s waiting at home for her husband…waiting with a meal prepared, and usually a different recipe every night. She didn’t know any better and she wasn’t capable of doing anymore than what she did. It is sad nonetheless. She was waiting on someone to tell her what she wanted and needed. She was an empty shell mostly. There were some thoughts and desires about what she wanted, but they were not fully formed. And they were overwhelming because, after all, what was she going to do anyway? She wasn’t fully equipped to survive on her own, so how could she breathe life into those dreams? When you don’t have direction, how do you find it?

Sometimes I’m still that girl. Overwhelmed with life, overwhelmed with so many channels to watch on cable TV. Sure, I’ve had more life experience and I’m stronger, more confident, have more social skills; but I’m still that overwhelmed girl that’s very comfortable at home cooking a different meal every night and cleaning her floors once a week. Simple life, simple girl. Here I am 15 years later. I’ve survived, but I don’t know that I’ve lived. I haven’t known what to live for. It’s been about other’s desires or sheer survival but not about living. What do I want? I am overwhelmed at the possibilities. So much so that I am frozen in place. How do I choose? I’m afraid to limit myself by choosing because what if I choose the wrong one? What if I don’t like the path I choose or worse yet….what if I fail?

Who knew those recipes in the white binder would pull out more than just instructions for great meals?! I am not ashamed of the time I spent in the tiny kitchen with no dishwasher (oh my! how many dishes I washed by hand!). I cherish the time I had. I think I needed it.

I wish I could hug my 20 year old self and tell her “it’s ok. Take your time. You will figure it all out in your own time. You are beautiful and smart and strong…you just need time. Take as much time as you need. Don’t rush”.

The 20 year old me could have really used some of the strength I have now. The 35 year old me could really use some of the tenderness I had back then. I could use some of the curiosity and the slow down and smell the roses that my 20 year old self had. I did have time of discovery, I just didn’t take enough time. I needed to pressure myself back then to find a path. But really, I didn’t need to at all. I needed the time.

I wish I could go back to the place and time to discover more wonderful recipes, cut them out of magazines and file them away in my recipe binder. I wish I could take the time to cook my way into a direction in life by giving myself all the time I need because, Man! Those are some GREAT tacos!

Remembering Beyond Loss

June 27, 2007 marks the anniversary of my Mom’s death, 9 years ago. How can it be that long ago?

I’ve been thinking about this blog post for a while. I’ll reveal a bit of a secret…writing scares me! Seems silly, right?! When I write, I think I’m the most honest with myself. I find my truth. I think it’s easy to lie to myself inside my head, after all it’s just thoughts, right? Just a fleeting thought and then I can pretend the thoughts never occurred. BUT, if I write it down, then there is documentation of my thoughts and of my feelings. There is proof! Writing is a form of releasing those pent up thoughts and feelings. In the midst of writing, though, it’s scary. Being honest with myself isn’t easy and I can’t hide from me on paper.

So why do I write if it’s so hard?

Because through the hard stuff is a better me. It’s too easy to walk through life without being honest with myself, without really understanding what I think or how I really feel about an issue or circumstance. It’s too easy to hide and easy never got the good stuff. For me, being honest with myself and knowing my truth means I can live a more centered life. I can be more sure of myself when making decisions, more sure that I know what I want and know, for sure, what really makes me happy. That’s the reward, but it doesn’t mean it comes easy.

Did that make any sense?! I hope I haven’t lost you because there really is a method to my rambling.

The anniversary of my Mom’s death was only a few days ago. 9 years…I can’t believe it’s been that long. My sister got married in March and I went home for her wedding. I also visited my Mom’s grave for the first time since she was buried. Since I live 12 hours away, it’s hard to make it to her grave site between all the other family visits. It’s also rare that I’m alone for any period of time while I’m at home. I knew when I visited my Mom’s gravesite, I would want to go alone and I didn’t want to share where I would be going. This was a very personal time and I didn’t want company or questions from family. I just needed to go.

It was raining and I was beginning to run out of daylight. It had been so long I was afraid I couldn’t remember the location of the cemetary. I kept thinking, “I’m coming, Mama, I’m coming!” I was somewhat frantic in my search, so afraid that I wouldn’t locate the cemetery and I would have to wait several more months before I could attempt to visit again. After driving down a few wrong streets, I saw the cemetery and I was relieved only to have the relief washed away with a new worry of finding her grave. I remembered it was by the main road, so I turned into the first driveway I came to and made the first circle. I found my grandfather’s grave and I got out of the truck to spend a few moments. He passed away when I was a junior in high school. I knew I was close to my mom’s grave! I looked across the main road and thought it must be there. I grabbed the umbrella out of the truck and was struck with sadness that I had not brought anything to put on her grave. I brought nothing to leave with her!! I searched through my bag for something but came up empty handed. I wish I had brought something…anything to leave with my Mother!

I walked across the street and I finally found her. It didn’t matter that it was raining because I had tears streaming down my face anyway. I was caught off guard with how sad it made me feel because she was buried alone. Most of the other headstones around her were of a husband and a wife. Her headstone looked so small compared to the others. As I continued looking at the graves that surrounded her, I saw that she was buried by her grandfather and grandmother and also by her aunt and uncle. This gave me some comfort to know she was surrounded by loved ones.

When I imagined going to visit my Mother’s grave, I always thought I would sit and talk with her; tell her all the many things that had gone on in my life, all the changes that had happened, about Jeff and the kids, etc. If it hadn’t been raining, maybe I still would have done just that. Instead, all it seemed I could do was cry (ugly cry!). I was overwhelmed by how much I missed her. I was overwhelmed at how hard life has been without her love, her advice, her support. It was all too evident of how much of a load I had been carrying on my shoulders. The tears brought some release of the overburdened dam of emotion that my mom is no longer here. I squatted down and traced the outline of her name on the headstone with my fingers. She has two or three angel figurines that someone left for her. I picked those up and examined them. She would be pleased to know that they are there. I left my hand pressed into her headstone just to feel closer to her.

It was raining more and more with barely any daylight left. I felt exposed since her grave was right by the main road and cars were driving by. I knew I would have to go soon. I told my mom how much I loved her and that I missed her so much! I cried more and walked across the main road and got back into the truck. I drove across the street and parked by her grave to be near her once more. I sat there looking at her grave. I was shredded inside to leave her alone in the cold rain and dark. I didn’t want to leave!

I had no idea visiting my Mom’s grave would affect me so intensely. Maybe I did subconsciously and maybe that’s why it took me so long to visit. That makes sense. It’s hard to experience intense feelings. I’m glad to know the intensity of the experience so I can be more prepared for my next visit.

Mom's present day photo! — Mom’s present day photo.

At Christmas, my grandmother (my Mom’s mom), my aunt (my Mom’s sister) and my sister all took this photo. All 4 of us represent the immediate family left on my Mom’s side. We have all grown closer since my Mom’s death and I cherish every bit of the visits, talks and texts together. Each of us represent my mom. Each of us carry her with us. Each of us keep her memory alive. This represents a present day photo of my mom. Can you see her? She is alive and well. Family is a reflection of those we have lost. For those of you that have lost loved ones, don’t ever lose sight of that! Those we have lost live on within us.

How Many Ways Can You Hear?

Is the title a little confusing? If you take a gander at the original poem below, you may understand a little more of what I mean. The title states ‘hear’; please note, I don’t mean listen. Listening and hearing are 2 very separate things in my book. Anyone can listen, but to really hear someone, that means to understand too. So many of us are misunderstood! And one of the very carnal desires of most is to be understood. Most of the time, people are telling us who they are and subtle characteristics about themselves through so many avenues other than speaking. How many ways are you open to people telling you who they are?

I came across the image above on pinterest a few years ago. After I read it, something struck me and I had to write. These are the results:

She’s Telling You Who She Is….

In countless ways, she’s telling you who she is.

She’s telling you by working so hard. She’s goal oriented, driven, determined. She never backs down from a challenge. When she’s knocked down, she gets back up again to fight even harder. She’s telling you who she is.

She’s telling you through her fitness, pouring sweat, it’s not easy. Shaping a body that is like a canvas of a sculpter’s stone. She’s carving away the negativity, she’s bringing out the beauty, she’s bringing out the best. She’s telling you who she is.

She’s telling you who she is through words written in letters from the heart; from the soul. She’s opening up doors to show you her deepest feelings, her deepest disappointments, her deepest desires. It’s something she’s never shared before. Can you hear her? She’s telling you who she is.

She’s telling you who she is by the fighter inside. She’s made tough choices and done her very best. She’s still standing tall, she won’t back down, she’ll stare opposition in the face. She’ll climb the highest mountain and swim the deepest sea. She’ll fight the toughest, meanest fighter in the ring. Doing it all the while telling you who she is.

She’s telling you who she is by where she’s standing in her journey. Where she’s been and where she is now. Hard road, big choices and knowing she’ll make it. How many could say the same? How many have done the same? She’s telling you who she is.

She’s telling you who she is with her heart, a heart so strong to have survived so much. Following her heart, making choices the best she knows how. She’s telling you who she is.

She’s telling you who she is through her bravery. Standing alone and taking risks to discover her own. She’s not afraid to lose. She’s not afraid to let go, to feel pain and loss. She’s telling you who she is.

She’s telling you who she is through her eyes; through her speech. Her eyes are clear and with looking deeply enough, you will see there’s a big story to tell, a story worth hearing, a story that has been fought and earned in truth. She’ll tell you in her own way; in her own time with precise words and much wisdom beyond her years. She’s telling you who she is.

The questions that remain…are you big enough to know? Can you understand? Do you dare to know? All these things she will need answered to see if she can trust. If your eyes are blind and your ears are deaf, there is no investment and you will never know no matter the many ways she tells you who…. I ….. am ……

By Carlynn Rainey

Coming Together

It’s November, y’all?! No, really, it’s November! How is it already November?!

No matter how ill prepared I am that the year is almost up or that the Holidays are upon us, one thing I am looking forward to is being together with family. This time of year always bring about time spent with our extended families, sharing a meal or two, good conversation and laughter.

I have been lucky enough to get to kick start this year’s extended family activities early. Last weekend, I drove to Canton, Texas to meet up with my Dad. But it wasn’t just my Dad that I met up with, it was all my cousins, aunt and uncle. They all plan a trip together every year just to spend time with one another. Luckily for me, Canton is only 3 hours from Houston.

Rainey_Canton Trade Days 2015 — Sharing a meal after a long day at Trade Days, Canton, TX.

My Dad’s side of the family has always been close; sought each other out no matter how far away they live from one another. All my Dad’s cousins grew up together and hence developed this bond. I’ve always enjoyed being in their presence. They all have such a good time together, pickin’ on each other, crackin’ jokes and re-living the good ole days.

Family is so, so important. It is such a rarity that extended family like my Dad’s side has a bond and a friendship like they do. I admire it and I’m thankful I can see it modeled. I wish I had grown up like that with my cousins that are my age. I wish I had a family bond like that.

R for Rainey_Reunion — A painting I had made for one of our family reunions.

The older I get, the more important I find that our heritage is important. And our heritage doesn’t just come from our families, it comes from the community that we grew up in. Which is why the photo below describes me and my community so well. I feel that we are so future focused and we don’t even realize the precious heritage that is slipping through our fingers. How many of us really know our families? Do we really know their story? Can you pass on to your children who they are or were? Do you know funny, silly, seemingly meaningless stories about them? And once those family members are gone, all of it’s gone.

The South — A home décor item in my dad and step mom’s home that describes where I’m from to a T…or is it “Tea”? 😉

I wish I could say I’ve done a tremendous job knowing my family. Heck, I can’t even say I know my Dad very well and my Mom is already gone. I can’t say I know funny stories about them growing up; what they aspired to be when they were kids; what silly stunts they pulled that got them in trouble. Time is fleeting! I spend so much time worrying about the future that I miss opportunities to get to know my heritage better.

My grandmother (my Mom’s Mom) just turned 92 years old last week! I relish visits and phone calls with her. She’s a talker! 😀 Every now and then I will get her to talk about when she and my grandfather met or what it was like for her to grow up on a farm, how she worked in a factory and how she and my grandfather made it all work. All these memories she shares are PRICELESS!

The other day, I pulled out a shoe shining kit. That little kit brought back so many memories. My little shoe shine kit is pretty pitiful, but the one I was reminded of was the one my Dad used when I was a little girl. I used to love it when he would pull out that kit in a wooden box. He would sit in the floor of our den and shine his work shoes. And I would plop myself down right beside him. I was fascinated by the different tools and the polish and how they made his shoes shine so pretty! He let me help which made me feel important. What a beautiful, cherished memory! And what a simple item that brought it all back!

I’m 12 hours away from my home in Mississippi, from my immediate family. I, sometimes, feel very alone in this big city. Family has a way of helping you feel grounded, helping you know your roots so that you can better know who you are. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t have a clue who I am. I’m the only family member here in Houston. There’s no family here to reflect who I am.

I’ll be going home for Christmas this year. I want to be fully present for that trip home. I hope to really get my Dad to open up more about his youth and growing up…tell me some good stories about the good ole days. I hope to get my grandmothers (on both sides) to talk about their lives. And I want to sit back and be a sponge…soaking it all up and soaking it all in.

I wish you a fully present Holiday season with your family! Relish your time and soak it all up!

Hope in Loss – A Fierce Perspective

I’m excited to share with you a journal entry that I wrote several months ago. I’m also fiercely excited to share with you how I came to write this journal entry. I have been a part of a group called Fierce Forward since, gosh, around 2010. Or maybe I’ve just been a fan of Ashley Johns since then. I first became aware of Ashley when she was competing for (and won!) the Bodybuilding.com spokesmodel campaign. (Sorry, I know I’m going link happy! But this is important to lay the ground work.) Ashley has an amazing weight loss transformation and journey. I encourage you to read her story!

Around 2010, Ashley created a Facebook group called Fierce Forward. Her mantra of Fierce Forward means moving fiercely forward in life, no matter the obstacle. Fierce Forward has evolved into a community of people that aspire to achieve their goals, dreams and to love themselves and own who they are. Ashley also is the creator of the intention bracelets. An intention bracelet is made of African trade beads and adorned with a charm of what I like to refer to as a power word. My first intention bracelet (which Jeff bought for me) was Strength. When wearing the strength bracelet, it helps me intentionally know and own my strength. You can also create stacks of the bracelets called Armor. These bracelets become armor when facing life’s challenges, reminding you to Focus or Breathe or Be, etc.. If you see me, I most likely am wearing one or more of the intention bracelets. My most recent purchase is the Truth intention bracelet, which leads me back to my journal entry.

Fierce Forward is a very active community. Ashley created the Sisterhood of the Fierce Traveling Journal a while back. Basically what this means is that if you want to participate in writing in a journal every week or so, you can be grouped together with 3-4 other women. After you complete your writing for the week, you put the journal in the mail to pass along to your sister. You can write in the journal, draw, paint, use stickers, or use any other medium to express yourself. Ashley usually has a theme for the journaling duration. I have participated in the Sisterhood of the Fierce Traveling Journal for the 4th time now! And actually, writing in these journals is what helped me solidify my desire to begin a blog. Sharing in these journals some of my most innermost thoughts and then putting it in the mail for another person to see is intimidating. But then, reading what the sisters in my group have shared…sharing their vulnerability in their stories of triumph and hurts in life; gave me the courage to begin my blog. We all have a story to tell and I believe that we can learn so much from one another! And if nothing else, we get to connect to each other through similar life circumstances. I am very grateful to Ashley for founding Fierce Forward; for creating a community full of fierceness and positivity, especially in the midst of such a negative, stressful world in which we live!

Soooo….I wanted to share with you one of my journal entries I wrote on May 13, 2015. This journal entry actually fits perfectly after completing my 3 part series last week.

“A healthy relationship, whether it is romantic, brotherly or friendly is when each person is allowed room to grow, un-judged and still loved.” – Unknown

“Here’s the truth about BIG life changes: Some people won’t come with you and that’s OK.” – Unknown

“Both of these quotes resonate with me. I’ve always loved words. To be able to matter-of-factly put into words what I feel is usually a shot in the dark, but I love the idea of being able to speak, to write and describe as eloquently as I can my thoughts and my feelings.

I, fortunately or unfortunately, have more experience with losing people than I care to admit and I have learned the very hard way what healthy relationships look like and what they do not. There was a time in my life where I changed so much so quickly that it literally felt like I lost my family and friends all at once. To be left alone when you need support, encouragement, love and someone to help you pick up the broken pieces….that is probably one of the worst feelings. Feeling like you don’t exist, that you aren’t valuable enough to register on your loved one’s radar. I guess its a lot like being in a glass box in the middle of Grand Central Station…no one can get to you and you can’t get to them. Divided by some invisible layer. Untouchable.

As alone and abandoned as I felt, I know it was for the greater good. I had a therapist tell me once that “the healthier you become, the further away you will distance yourself from the toxic, unhealthy people in your life.”

Some of those people I lost, I lost forever. They were only meant to be in my life briefly. There were others that I lost for only a short amount of time. Distance had to be created for healing to take place. Those relationships that have been restored have helped me regain hope and faith in people…in relationships. That distance and space allowed me the chance to grieve, to think, to heal, to let time help me understand the part of me that has been unhealthy so that I could become a better person. I found grace for myself and that in turn helped me have grace for those who may have hurt me. I can see a bigger picture now. And understand that maybe, just maybe, they were only doing the best they could and that I, too, was only doing the best I could.

Big changes will bring loss. In that loss, there can be hope of restoration, of understanding, reflection, of truth. And hopefully it will bring you to a better place where new or old relationships can allow you the freedom to be exactly who you are and at the same time allow you enough sturdiness as an individual for people in your life to be exactly who they are.”
– Carlynn Rainey

Greetings World!

I am so excited to officially launch this blog! This has been a goal of mine for quite some time. I actually put this goal on my New Year’s resolutions in 2014. Obviously, that didn’t happen, but I believe that everything happens in it’s due time. The timing of that New Year’s resolution wasn’t the right time but now is! I’ve been building this blog for a couple months and learning blog speak has proved a bit challenging. I’m still learning as I go. It’s funny because I work in an IT department along with people that write code and design data architecture and I can’t help thinking about my co-workers every time I come across another html this or plugin that. I have much to learn! 🙂 P.S. I’m not a techy despite working in an IT dept.!

I hope that you will visit my About page to learn a little more about this blog. Perspective Confessions….just what exactly is that?! Well, I hope that you come back to visit or better yet follow Perspective Confessions to see what it has in store. I promise it won’t disappoint! See you soon…