There have been quite a few times that I’ve retreated to my bedroom for quiet time with God and this furbaby comes to find me. It’s a very cute and cuddly interruption. š Purrcy is my sweet boy.
I recently completed a weekend retreat. During this weekend, I learned how to make space for God. I learned that it’s not nearly as important as what I say in prayer as it is being with God…thus silence and stillness. In this way, it’s much easier to hear God when He speaks. And He does speak to us, we just have to make space and learn to discern His voice. Don’t we need to hear from Him now more than ever?!
A while before this weekend retreat, I had started trying to ask God questions and listening. One Saturday morning before I got out of bed, I asked God, āhow do you delight in me?ā The first thing that popped into my mind was a picture of Purrcy and my eyes welled up with tears. If God delights in me like I delight in Purrcy, that says a lot to me. Iāve always been able to love more freely with my pets than I have people. Iām guarded with people, but animals are much easierā¦less risk of being hurt. God knew just how to answer my question that morning. It was an impactful answerā¦that He delights in me, He loves me freely with no holds barred. He loves me easily and He can use even a special furry friend to show me.
I hope you are seeing and hearing God in all the places, because He is whispering. He is in all the places around us. As your week or day wraps up, I hope you find space for silence and stillness, even just 2 minutes. For me, this practice helps me combat anxiety and the stress from my crazy, busy life.
After the year we’ve collectively experienced, I found that the solitude and the quiet of being away from others made me very thankful at times because it allowed me to think and re-order my life and then at other times had me in crippling fear and anxiety. The funny thing is I don’t remember writing this prayer as a whole, bits and pieces, yes. When I was reviewing my prayer journal a couple months ago, I came across this prayer I wrote. I’ve re-worded it to hopefully be applicable to anyone, however, I wrote it when my job was in jeopardy. My company went through a massive re-organization last year and I was so scared of losing my job. I asked the Holy Spirit to come and He truly did because I know the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf when we pray and He certainly interceded on my behalf here. Otherwise this prayer wouldn’t be so powerful. I hope that you can save this prayer and pray it when you are crippled in fear and the anxiety won’t go away. I know sometimes when you are crippled in fear it’s hard to find the words to pray. I hope this gives you words to use. He is always with us.
Heavenly Father,
How easy it is to be thrown off track, to become uncentered. The world feels unstable and instead of clinging to you, I run away and hide or busy myself in busyness to ignore it all. I know you are the King of Kings, the creator of all. You are more powerful and mighty than any trouble, any stress, any worry. The devil loves to play his games with my emotions, my doubts, my fears, my vulnerabilities. Holy Spirit I pray you come. Fill me with your peace and joy. Ground me in your truth. Quiet my mind. Make still my nerves. Help me remember whose I am. Help me remember that you and you alone have control no matter the level of chaos. Lord Jesus, in your name, I cast away the worry and fear. In your name, Father, I cast aside the anxiety. Fear does not come from you! Love comes from you. I need this always in my life. I am open to your love, your peace, your spirit. Lord Jesus, in your name this day will not be overwhelming, it will be successful, it will be okay. This day cannot overtake me, it cannot overwhelm me. This day does not have that power and control over me. This day does not have permission to be these things because, Father, you are with me and you created this day and I will rejoice in it. I am grounded in you. I am grounded in your truth. Regardless of the Goliath in this day or in this season of my life and even if I only have a slingshot and a rock, ALL things are possible with you. Truth always stands. Hope is not silent. I am the daughter/son of a King. My worth and value is found in you. You hold my worth and value. Help me to stand grounded in that. Help me to stand firm and not waver. You created me and blessed me with talents and gifts that have a purpose. You have a larger plan, a greater picture than this small piece that I can see in front of me. Help me to rest in you, in your love. Lift my eyes to see you in the midst of the storm. Quiet my mind and fill me with your peace and joy. Holy Spirit come.
Thursday, May 31, 2018 is the day I woke up like any other day to get ready for workā¦feed my dog, Sophie Bear, pick out my outfit for the day, shower, dress, fix my hair and brush my teeth. It wasnāt until I brushed my teeth that I realized something was wrong with my face. I leaned over the sink to spit out the toothpaste and my mouth wouldnāt work right. My lips went sideways, I couldnāt pucker to spit. Weird, I thought. Maybe I did that wrong? That was my thought. I spit wrong. Even though Iāve been spitting toothpaste in the sink for years upon years. How does someone forget how to spit?! So, I tried again. Same thing. My lips went sideways, I couldnāt pucker to spit. Thatās when I really examined myself in the mirror. Whatās wrong?!?! My heart started beating a little faster and I was becoming more alarmed by the minute. I then realized my left eye wasnāt closing as firmly as my right. I tried squeezing as hard as I could, and the left side wouldnāt squeeze shut. What.was.wrong?!?! Stroke was the word that entered my mind. I flew out of the bathroom to the mirror in the living room and looked there as if I thought changing mirrors would change the function of my face. I tried puckering my lips and they just looked weird, my pucker wasnāt centered (if that makes any sense). I looked at my eyes again and tried squeezing them shut. The right eye felt strong and squeezed shut as my muscles commanded it to, the left eye was lacking. I was scared! Jeff and I commute into work together and I told him to go without me, I was going to the Urgent Care.
Bell’s Palsy or a stroke?
Among all the frantic thoughts in my head, thoughts of my mom were there too. She suffered from having several mini strokes in her last months. Was this happening to me? What was going on? When I pulled up to the Urgent Care, of course, they donāt open until 8:00 am and I arrived at 7:15 am. Great! Now I get to sit in my car and let my thoughts swirl in my head about what is happening to me. Those minutes ticked by so, so slowly. It was excruciating. Finally, the doors opened. When I was signing in at the front desk, the nurse asked me for the symptoms I was experiencing. As soon as I got out of my mouth that the left side of my face wasnāt working right, she immediately sent me to triage. This only concerned me more and it validated that something was wrong. My body was rebelling against me and it came out of nowhere. The doctor followed right behind me into triage and ran several physical tests like asking me to squeeze her fingers to check for weakness in my hands and arms. She asked several questions like did I feel weakness on one side of my body and asking me to repeat phrases. The only other symptom I had was the left side of my tongue had gone numb the day before. I couldnāt taste on that side, but I didnāt think much of it. The doctor then told me her diagnosis was Bell’s Palsy. āDo you know what Bells Palsy is?ā, she asked. āNo. Can it be healed?ā, I replied in response. The doctor was very gracious in assuring me she had experienced Bells Palsy about 15 years before and often it comes out of nowhere, but it can be caused by a virus that attacks the facial muscles usually on just one side of the face. She urged me, though, to go to an emergency room to get an MRI to rule out the possibility of a stroke.
I left Urgent Care in a daze. I was frantic, heart still racing, yet calm at the same time. Jeff was blowing up my phone, but I didnāt want to talk. I was trying to process what my body was doing and how I was going to spring into action. If you know me well, you know Iām a person of action. I do not take things laying down. Iām proactive to the nth degree. Ć All that sounds great, the being proactive stuff, right? Well, yes and no. Hereās the negative part of being so proactive and feeling the need to be in controlā¦I donāt let others care for me. At this point, Iām shutting Jeff out because I donāt know how to deal. I donāt know how to process whatās going on with me and Iām shutting him out. When I finally answer the phone when he calls, he says heās packing up at work and will meet me at the ER. āNo.ā I tell him. āI will go to the ER, but Iām going into work first.ā Weird reaction, right? I know, thus is the conundrum of me. I am a soldier in the mist of my world falling apart. Pushing onward, not letting myself feel, just doing. Jeff is frantic on the other end of the phone and I start crying as I knew I would and I told him I had to go. I donāt deal well with not knowing what to do. I was struggling to control my own emotions and I didnāt have room for anyone elseās emotions even though Jeff was certainly entitled.
I drove to work. When I got to the parking garage, I pulled out my makeup that I hadnāt put on yet. Tears were still rolling down my cheeks. I pulled the mirrored visor down and looked at my face. My face was betraying me. Even in crying, the left side of my face was not distorting with emotion. It was sort of frozen which made me cry more. What was happening to me? I dried up my tears as much as I could and put on my makeup. Putting on eye makeup was strange and made the tears start to roll again because I couldnāt close my left eyelid to put on eye shadow.
I only checked in at work, talked with my boss, told him what was going on and cried tremendously while telling him. I told him about my mom and the strokes that she had and how concerned that made me. Hearing the word Stoke in reference to yourself is a hard pill to swallow. Jeff met me at my office and we soon left for the ER for the MRI and had the diagnosis of stroke ruled out. I had Bells Palsy and I would experience the symptoms for weeks.
The above is a play by play of how I spent my Thursday morning and afternoon of May 31. What happened after the diagnosis and how I dealt with the blow of my body rebelling against me is what I want to share with you. This is the first sickness I have ever experienced, one in which isnāt curable with a round of antibiotics in a few days and one that isnāt really known by doctors what causes it. No, this would be something that would take weeks to heal. Not to mention, it effects the very part of your body that everyone sees every time they see you. It challenged my faith in ways that I didnāt expect and made me rely on my Heavenly Father in a way that I am unaccustomed. Iām not comfortable relying on anyone reallyā¦Iām not good with being vulnerable. I want to be in control and Bell’s Palsy took that from me.
Journal entry from June 10, 2018…
āThis has been a very difficult week. I have contemplated my health and body more than ever. Iāve been scared out of my mind, overwhelmed beyond belief and beaten down. I didnāt know being sick would affect me that way. It has rattled me to my core. When your body decides to rebel against you, itās unnerving. The thing that has scared me and continues to scare me is becoming sick and not being able to live life as I once was able to. So much can be taken away so quickly. No warning. The emotional ramifications of that is profound. In those moments, you realize how much you take for granted all the time. And you realize just how much you arenāt in control. Itās funny how I believe Iām in control all the time or at least most of the time and the reality is Iāve never been in control. Iāve only conned myself into thinking that. Surrendering is hard. Surrendering my strong-will is hard. And this week I wasnāt left with much of anything but surrender. What I mean is I found myself alone, struggling to understand even what the meaning of life is, what happiness is, reflecting on how Iāve been living my life, treating my body, caring or not caring for my body, my emotional wellbeing, utterly overwhelmed and consumed, not able to focus or think or function. Realizing that when you are sick, itās you and you alone. Thereās no other person that can go through it with you. No one else truly knows how you feel. Itās only you. And it leaves you reflecting on your spiritual life, clinging to God because Heās the only one that can go through this with you. Learning to rely on Him is hard. Surrendering is hard, and I donāt like surrendering. I laugh when I say that because God made me after all! He knows Iām stubborn and strong-willed, not going down without a fight, He knows Iāll get scrappy if needed. š Maybe surrendering is the strongest thing I can do. Asking Him to fill me with His peace and joy. (Romans 15:13) I found myself casting out the evil oneās anxiety and fear in Jesus name because my God is bigger than that. I found myself heavily relying on God to carry me through this. And itās amazing that at every turn, no matter, the progress in recovery I have made, the evil one is standing by interjecting fear and worry at every turn. The evil one is unrelenting. I wonder if God gets weary of us and our inability to remain faithful even for a few minutes? Thatās been another prayer of mine as well, āLord, please help me in my unbelief.ā (Mark 9:24) I do believe, but I am weak. God would show me His healing power by my tongue becoming functional to taste again. My eyelids blinking at the same time, strength coming back to my lips so I could spit toothpaste in the sink from the center of my mouth. Even all these ways Heās showing me Heās taking care of me and I still fear and wait anxiously. Giving it over to Him is hard. All the while knowing He can do so much better at all this than me. Being sick is scary. Being helpless is frightening. I have thought about my mom a lot. She was sick for so long and Iām sure she was scared and felt alone. I regret that I judged her, at times, so harshly. I should have had more compassion. Iām not sure that was possible, but she could have used more compassion all the way around from those around her.
…help me in my unbelief…
Today I feel much improved, but anxiety and worry still take up way too many of my thoughts. Iāve been anxious about my back now after hurting it a few weeks ago. Scared that I may not functionally be able to do some things anymore. Scared of surgery, if thatās even needed, and what that might cause, itās long term effects. All craziness. I know this logically, but the fear and worry have another agenda. The devilās mind games.
I know my God does not want me to suffer. He does not want me to worry. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) I want to have a closer relationship with Him. One that I can trust and lean upon Him. Surrender to Him. I have a lot of work to do in this area, with His help, of course. Iām reading a book that talks about soul training. Soul training is practicing those things that will help you deepen your spiritual walk with Him. Kind of like how an athlete practices, the same principles could be applied to the Christian walk. Just like a doctor practices medicine, I think we practice Christianity. We wonāt ever perfect our walk, but we sure can get better. I want to have close to my heart the knowing that God loves me, He delights in me. I want to put down the knowing that I have now. I often see God as disappointed in me, displeased with me. A punishing God because I have not done the things I should. All of those negative, ugly ways I was taught about God, I want to put down. I want to know Him as my Father who loves me and cares for me and wants the best for me. He wants me to follow Him, surrender to Him. And I think Iāve been unable to know Him, to follow Him because Iāve been ashamed. Feeling too unworthy to approach Him, unworthy of His love, unworthy to really know Him. Why would God want to know me? I think itās easy to believe that when youāre sometimes not seen by those who are closest to you. If youāve ever experienced a loved one that seemingly doesnāt openly delight in you or thatās how youāve interpreted it anyway. You are left feeling unnoticed and unworthy and unimportant. All lies from the devil in association with God. I pray Godās grace upon my unworthiness. I pray for His help in my surrender to His ways. To lean on Him and not worry. I pray for release from the anxiety, to live in His joy and His freedom. Help me in my unbelief. To be still and know. (Psalm 46:10) To wait because He will fight for me. (Exodus 14:14) His grace and mercy is sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9) God wants me to be happy and live a full life in Him and I should stop living in fear and start doing just that. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) Lord help me to know that, not just logically but in all ways and to rest in You. (Matthew 11:28)ā
During church recently I was reminded of a scene in the movie, The Shack. Have you seen it? If not, I recommend that you do. Itās a powerful movie. The scene Iām referring to is the one where Mack is in the boat on the lake. Everything seems peaceful and then his mind starts taking him back to a pivotal point in his life. Playing mind games and then suddenly the boat begins filling with black water and Mack is panicking. Then you hear the sound of Jesusā voice telling Mack heās ok. Jesus says, āIām right here, Iām not going anywhere.ā āFocus on me,ā he says. When Mack isĀ finally able to raise his eyes to focus on Jesus, the boat returns as it was and Mack is ok.
Click on the link below to watch the scene from The Shack, the first 2:30 minutes.
Isnāt that how life is? When we are drowning, we are focusing on the pain and the turmoil. If we can lift our eyes to focus on Himā¦know that Heās there and He will never leave. I struggle to keep my eyes lifted and focused on Him and Bellās Palsy proved no different. On the other side of Bellās Palsy, I can see the beautiful picture that God painted for me and how He strengthened my faith. Hardships make our faith strong. āI am made strong in weakness.ā (2 Corinthians 12:5-10) I promise you are too. If you are wrestling with trying times that life has dealt you, I encourage you to lift your eyes and focus on Him as best you can. Heās there andĀ He’s walking beside you.
