I wanted to make tacos for dinner this week. I have, in my opinion, the BEST taco recipe ever. I’ve made it so many times that I don’t need the recipe anymore….except for this weekend. I hadn’t made it in a while and before going to the grocery store, I wanted to double check that I had all the ingredients. So, I pulled out this 3 inch white binder that holds my taco recipe. But in all actuality, I pulled out so much more than a binder. So many memories came flooding back to me as I opened it. I have dozens upon dozens of recipes in that binder and the majority of those recipes came from when I was in college. I am so thankful to have those recipes, yet sad because that was all I had during that period of my life. Yet I was happy because I was honing my cooking skills and that was one of the only things I did for myself back then. I experimented and I tried new things. Food Network and I were buds!! Most of my recipes came from Rachel Ray, Guy Fieri, Bobby Flay, Emeril Lagasse, Sandra Lee and Paula Deen. But the taco recipe….well, that one doesn’t come from a well known TV chef. I don’t even remember the show’s name, but it was a show for people who were just beginning their cooking journey. The 2 chefs did an excellent job walking through the step by step process of the recipe. This same show is where I also learned how to make garlic into a paste with table salt for homemade guacamole.
Back then, I was a brand new wife living in a mobile home in Starkville, MS. I was also a student, but at the time, I identified as being a wife more. That’s where I placed my worth. I remember cleaning the small, 2 bedroom mobile home so well. I used to buy the scented powder stuff to sprinkle in the carpet and then vacuum it up. It made the place smell so good! This was a time when I actually vacuumed and mopped once a week proudly!
Looking back I was so alone. I didn’t really know anything about anything, but I did escape my life and I got married to start a new one. I had no idea what I was doing, not a clue.
I was so backwards that I really hadn’t had cable and I was enthralled at having TV….maybe that’s part of the reason I loved Food Network so much! All I really wanted to do was sit at home and watch TV. I felt I needed my fill of it.
As I mentioned before, I was also a student. A 20 year old student that was married and lacked very serious social skills. I was at home enthralled with having cable TV and experimenting with cooking different recipes while other students my age were experimenting with pushing boundaries, dating, creating lasting friendships, having fun and creating a future. I didn’t have the skills nor the insight or foresight to know that I should be doing those things. I’m incredibly sad thinking back about the girl in the mobile home who is 20 years old with her whole life ahead of her yet she’s waiting at home for her husband…waiting with a meal prepared, and usually a different recipe every night. She didn’t know any better and she wasn’t capable of doing anymore than what she did. It is sad nonetheless. She was waiting on someone to tell her what she wanted and needed. She was an empty shell mostly. There were some thoughts and desires about what she wanted, but they were not fully formed. And they were overwhelming because, after all, what was she going to do anyway? She wasn’t fully equipped to survive on her own, so how could she breathe life into those dreams? When you don’t have direction, how do you find it?
Sometimes I’m still that girl. Overwhelmed with life, overwhelmed with so many channels to watch on cable TV. Sure, I’ve had more life experience and I’m stronger, more confident, have more social skills; but I’m still that overwhelmed girl that’s very comfortable at home cooking a different meal every night and cleaning her floors once a week. Simple life, simple girl. Here I am 15 years later. I’ve survived, but I don’t know that I’ve lived. I haven’t known what to live for. It’s been about other’s desires or sheer survival but not about living. What do I want? I am overwhelmed at the possibilities. So much so that I am frozen in place. How do I choose? I’m afraid to limit myself by choosing because what if I choose the wrong one? What if I don’t like the path I choose or worse yet….what if I fail?
Who knew those recipes in the white binder would pull out more than just instructions for great meals?! I am not ashamed of the time I spent in the tiny kitchen with no dishwasher (oh my! how many dishes I washed by hand!). I cherish the time I had. I think I needed it.
I wish I could hug my 20 year old self and tell her “it’s ok. Take your time. You will figure it all out in your own time. You are beautiful and smart and strong…you just need time. Take as much time as you need. Don’t rush”.
The 20 year old me could have really used some of the strength I have now. The 35 year old me could really use some of the tenderness I had back then. I could use some of the curiosity and the slow down and smell the roses that my 20 year old self had. I did have time of discovery, I just didn’t take enough time. I needed to pressure myself back then to find a path. But really, I didn’t need to at all. I needed the time.
I wish I could go back to the place and time to discover more wonderful recipes, cut them out of magazines and file them away in my recipe binder. I wish I could take the time to cook my way into a direction in life by giving myself all the time I need because, Man! Those are some GREAT tacos!