Is it just me or has life become expensive? Recently on a grocery trip, I spent $55.40 for only 10 items, the majority of which were vegetables! What in the world?! When prices continue to rise and our paychecks aren’t keeping up, something must give. Ready or not, now the holidays are upon us. Maybe you don’t have money to spend on presents this year. That’s ok. Let’s explore ways we can keep costs down this holiday season.
First, if you need to scale back gift giving, let your friends and family know. Be upfront, be honest. Even if it feels vulnerable, do it anyway. Who knows, it might bring a sigh of relief to your friends and family because they are feeling the pinch too. See…your bravery in being honest has already been a gift for your friends and family!
Let’s focus on what we can do instead of what we cannot do, shall we?
1. Name drawing – everyone’s name goes into a bowl, and you draw one person in which to purchase a gift. Ground rules would need to be set, such as max dollar amount for the gift. Make sure the ground rule maker knows what your budget is to help manage expectations.
2. Potluck meals – if you are normally the host or hostess of a holiday meal, ask your guests to bring drinks, sides, desserts, appetizers, etc. This might add extra effort in organizing to cover all the bases of the meal, but organizing is FREE and the payoff is you aren’t incurring the full expense of the meal.
3. Handwritten letters – when was the last time you received a handwritten letter? When was the last time you wrote one? Texting, emails, and posts on social media are what is considered communication these days. What if you wrote a letter to your son or daughter telling them how you’ve witnessed them grow this year? What if you wrote your mom or dad a letter reminiscing about memories and how you think of them? Handwritten letters are priceless! It means that you took time out of your busy schedule and thought of them.
4. Draw/Art – do you like to doodle or have an artistic knack? Do you have access to pencils, crayons, colored pencils, markers, paint, etc.? Why not draw your friend or family member a picture? Before you dismiss this idea, it is like handwritten letters in that you took time and drew from your talents for someone special in your life. While growing up in Iuka, there was an elderly lady that was a member of the Iuka Church of Christ. I believe her name was Lenile Archer. Every birthday I received a postcard from her. On one side was a written happy birthday message and on the other side was beautiful art that she had drawn. Even as a young child, I knew how special it was to receive one of her works of art.
5. Gift certificates – not the ones that you are thinking. These gift certificates will not cost money. Who on your Christmas list is a new parent? Could you offer babysitting services to give mom or mom and dad some time for errands or a date night? Do you have a skill that someone could benefit? Do you know how to fix mechanical issues on a car? Do you know how to do simple home repairs? Know how to wash a car? Your gift certificate would be for your time and skill to help your loved one.
6. Experiences – do you know how to make a great cup of coffee? What about a signature meal or dessert? Is there someone in your life that you’d like to spend more time or catch-up with? Your great cup of coffee or dinner or dessert would be a setup for quality time with your friend or family member. Invite them over or bring your goodies to them to have great conversation and reconnect.
7. Photos – when was the last time you printed a photo? How many are on your phone? Who on your Christmas list would love to have the special moment you captured on camera either from years ago or recently? Dollar Tree has inexpensive frames last time I checked.
8. Volunteer together – as we feel like our dollars aren’t going as far as they used to, one of the best ways to move our minds off our present circumstances is to help others. There are many ways to serve our communities. Look to your local churches to serve a family in need. Look to your local animal shelters to donate your time. Visit your local nursing home to sit with someone that may not have loved ones close by anymore.
Money is a resource. Time is also a resource. Sometimes there is more and sometimes less. Look for the blessings regardless. Less money requires creativity. Think outside the gift box. You might be surprised when you don’t miss the number of presents under the tree. The time and experiences that you’ve created instead of buying them will be tucked away in your memories for far longer than the latest gadget fad. All of us have limited time with our loved ones. Many of the suggestions listed are based upon time. Time is an investment. Is fighting crowds to find a gift how you’d like to spend it? Or endless time online shopping? We only have so much face-to-face time with the people on our Christmas lists that we won’t get back. Choose and spend your scarce resources wisely.
May is Mental Health Awareness month. This post will come with discomfort, however, I believe it is for the greater good and thus I want to lean into the discomfort and share my journey with therapy.
The journey with therapy started for me in college. A visit here and there to the on-campus college therapist was grounding for me. At the time, my mom had cancer and being away from home for this first time was hard. I had tough life questions and the therapist on campus helped me zoom out and then zoom in to the questions and thus have a more balanced decision. How many times are we so focused on a question or situation that we can’t zoom out from it to gain a better perspective? For me, it’s often. 😊 A therapist can help with that!
The larger part to my therapy journey is my mom. She was sick much of my childhood. I was one of her caretakers while growing up and her primary caretaker from the ages of 15 – 18 (until I went off to college). Needless to say, I grew up fast! I was nominated as “Most Dependable” my senior year of high school. While it was an honor to receive that nomination, it was earned in my private home life because I’d learned the ultimate dependability by being my mom’s caretaker.
There are a lot of positives that come from learning responsibility at a young age and it can also be very confusing. Caretaking an adult is hard for an adult let alone a child doing so. At the age of 25, my mom passed away. She was 55. I don’t think anyone is prepared to lose a parent. Losing my mom unearthed some “life stuff” I needed to address. I sought out therapy to talk through my mom’s death. There was a lot of processing I needed to do. Sometimes we are so close to a situation that we can’t see the full picture. A therapist can help with that.
I have learned through therapy that my mother’s sickness shaped me, both good and bad. The good is easier to hold some days than the bad. It’s easy to become fixated on one or the other. The point of therapy is to help you hold all aspects about yourself and if at first you can’t hold it by yourself, your therapist is there to hold it until you are able to do so on your own. This is where advocacy comes into play for me and why diversity and inclusion mean so much at my core. My therapist has been my advocate in so many ways. Giving words to situations when I had none. She gave me a voice when I didn’t have one. And she has been there to hold my hand in all the hard things that I’ve been through. I can honestly say I would not be here right now if it weren’t for the gift of therapy. It has been lifechanging. I have learned lifechanging skills in therapy from navigating difficult family relationships, to work challenges, to having compassion for myself. And having compassion for yourself is key to having compassion for others. Looking in the mirror, in my opinion, can be the biggest adversary you face. I know it has been for me. I can certainly stand in my own way. Therapy can help you get out of your own way!
Therapy is hard, not going to lie. I don’t always like my therapist, lol. But therapy has given me a centeredness, a truth, a groundedness that is priceless. Maybe I would have gotten to this place on my own, but even if I had, it would taken me so much longer. And don’t we deserve to get to a better place as fast as we can?
A wise friend told me once that “our work on ourselves is a lifetime and one day”, meaning we are always inching toward being better versions of ourselves. I also came across another quote that resonated with me greatly, “the more we can understand our own thoughts, feelings and emotions; the more we can understand someone else’s”. This.Is.So.True. The better you can see yourself, the better you can see others. There’s certainly more I could write about, but I will pause here. I hope this helps you seek a therapist if you’ve been thinking about it. And if you’ve never thought about it, I hope this helps you see a different side to therapy. I think we could all use a good therapist in our lives. Life is hard enough and we deserve to be better people, for ourselves and each other.
Several weeks ago, I found myself rummaging under the kitchen sink for dish gloves. A few dishes wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher and needed to be washed by hand. My skin had begun to burn under the scalding water, thus my rummaging to find something to save my skin! Score, found them! I hadn’t used these dish gloves in quite some time; they had become a forgotten item under the sink. What I thought would be a simple task of washing a few dishes instead became a flood of memories. Memories that made me smile and my heart hurt a little bit for the time that has passed. Have you encountered that before? An item stirring up a walk down memory lane.
I remembered where dish gloves were used everyday…that would be at my grandmother’s house, Grannie Bea. She has no dishwasher, only her hands. What I also remembered was it wasn’t just her hands that washed dishes, my grandfather often put on those bright yellow dish gloves and cleaned up the kitchen too. I remember him telling Grannie Bea, “you cooked, I’ll clean up”. They had a true partnership. She worked alongside him at their gas station/general store they owned and he helped with chores around the house. I’d never thought much about this model in marriage or partnership before, but now that I’m older and I consider their generation, it’s probably not so normal that my grandfather chipped in around the house with chores. It was probably not so normal that my grandmother worked outside the home. And then I thought about the example they set for my mom and my aunt and also for my sister and me.
I can remember putting on those bright yellow dish gloves when I was old enough and took a turn at washing dishes after a wonderful meal had been prepared by my grandmother. Who knew valuable life lessons could be taught by such a simple item such as dish gloves? We all play a part in our families. In order to thrive and function well means we take turns, pick up the slack or let another family member or friend chip in so it can all get done.
How do you tag team with your family to get all the things done in your home?
If you cook often or even just every once in a while, you’ll find that you wind up throwing away the ends and pieces of vegetables as you chop them for dinner. Composting is one way to use these ends and pieces and saving them for vegetable broth is another. In this video is a step by step guide to making your own vegetable broth. I find this is a way to maximize those ends and pieces of left over veggies, clean out your fridge and maximize the nutrients from veggies. I have few tricks up my sleeve to enhance flavor and nutrition, so make sure you watch until the end. Comment and let me know if you try it for yourself! Enjoy!
Left to right (front): Judy and Grannie Bea; (back): Ferrin and Carlynn
Today marks my grandmother’s 98th birthday! Last year, Chevron’s former Chief Diversity Officer asked Chevron employees for their stories of resiliency. In response to that ask, I wrote about my grandmother (Grannie Bea). She is 98 years strong and she has instilled resiliency within me by her influence in my life. Her story was so welcomed by the Chevron community, read by over 6,000 employees and over 100 comments, that it spurred me to create a birthday book for her with those employee comments from all over the world to show her that her story not only has impacted me, but also those that read about her. I wanted to share her story with you as well in recognition of her birthday. #resiliency #ChevronTogether #HeAR #strongwomen
Written October 21, 2020:
My mom passed away in late June 2007, she was 55 years old. I had just graduated from college the year prior and moved to Houston, TX…12 hours away from my home in Mississippi.
This story is not all sad, so please stay with me. The context of my mom’s passing is important to begin to describe my grandmother (my mom’s mom), Beatrice Barron or Grannie Bea as my sister and I call her. Grannie Bea has been a primary influence in my independence as a woman and having a successful career.
When my mom passed, it was obviously hard for me and for Grannie Bea. A parent should never experience the loss of a child, no matter the age. Although I had always been close to Grannie Bea, my mom’s death brought us even closer. The photo of Grannie Bea, my aunt and sister…the 4 of us are the immediate family left on my mom’s side. We have all grown closer since my mom’s death and I cherish every moment of our visits, phone calls and conversations. Each of us represent my mom and keep her memory alive. I like to think that this photo represents a present-day picture of my mom. Can you see her? She is alive and well because family is a reflection of those we have lost. Lost loved ones live on within us.
Grannie Bea will be 97 years old on November 4. She is feisty, independent and can talk the horns off a billy goat. She still lives in her house, the house that she and my grandfather built nearly 70 years ago. She lives unassisted and prefers it that way. She tells me that she feels great from the waist up but the waist down is another story. Her hips are not in the best shape. She’s in pain constantly and because of her age, surgery is out of the question and pain meds are a challenge. Her mind is clear and she can recall dates, memories and even family trees of other families just fine. Her memory works better than mine. She often will start a conversation like this, “do you remember Barbara? She was married to a Bernard, but her family was the Smith’s and her cousin is Sally and Sally married a Turner and her mom worked at the bank downtown and we all go to church together.” It’s very entertaining how she knows everyone locally in the small town of Booneville, MS. Her mind is sharp!
Grannie Bea has made it a priority to call and check on me, especially since my mom passed. Like I mentioned earlier, Grannie Bea can TALK and she shares frequently about family history. I’ve developed a habit to have a notepad and pen close by and jot down the artifacts she shares. My aunt often refers to them as Bea-isms. 😊 I’ll share a photo of some of my collection of the notepad paper I’ve accrued during our conversations below.
Notes from our phone conversations…
I often think it’s ironic that her birthday falls so close to election day. She has shared with me that she has only missed voting twice (as in 2 times!) in her lifetime! She also proudly tells me she’s been a Democrat since the age of 18. And speaking of her sharp mind, she still manages 2 rental houses and the leasing of 49 acres of farmland and 30 acres of pastureland. She even meets with the farmer to discuss what crop will be grown on the acreage depending upon what the market is doing! Cotton served the farmer and her well last year because soybeans were a bust the year prior. My Grannie Bea is something else!
My grandfather, Ruel, served in WWII and when he came home, he married Grannie Bea on March 12, 1948. They moved to Booneville, MS and bought a gas station/store and that’s was his job until they sold it in 1988. They lived in the back of the store until they could afford to build their house. Grannie Bea worked at the gas station/store after she got off work at the factory where she worked for 24 years making clothing. In 1942, she made army pants and from 1948 – 1972, she made dress shirts in her factory job.
She remembers when electricity came to nearby cities. In 1936 electricity came to Tupelo, MS and in 1940 Corinth, MS received electricity. Although I’m so impressed with my grandmother’s memory recall, what strikes me most and inspires me to be a better person is her attitude. She’s shared with me that “everyday should be considered a birthday and celebrated as such”. She once told me that my mom and aunt didn’t have a home economics class in school, her philosophy is to “get a cookbook and teach yourself”! I often think Grannie Bea was born before her time because she doesn’t succumb to the social norms, even during her day. She worked outside the home even with having 2 daughters. She and my grandfather shared chores, she cooked, and he washed the dishes. She’s encouraged me many times to get as much education as I needed to be successful in my career and “don’t ever depend upon a man”. This is so unlike the deep south culture and I am so thankful for her encouragement to be independent!
In my most recent conversation with her, we were discussing the pandemic and she said she’s never seen anything like this. She hasn’t been outside her house since early February. She has a great community that calls to check on her often, knocks on her door to say hello from a distance. Her spirits remain high regardless and she said, “might as well smile and laugh about it because I can’t change it”. She’s always had a positive spirit and I wonder if that has something to do with her long, quality life. Growing up as a little girl and staying at her house, she preferred to read the “funny papers”, the comics and she’d just laugh. She’s never been one for emotions, she’d tell me not to cry and always finds the silver lining in any dark cloud. She is a bright light in my life, and I feel very blessed and honored that she’s my Grannie Bea.
There have been quite a few times that I’ve retreated to my bedroom for quiet time with God and this furbaby comes to find me. It’s a very cute and cuddly interruption. 😆 Purrcy is my sweet boy.
I recently completed a weekend retreat. During this weekend, I learned how to make space for God. I learned that it’s not nearly as important as what I say in prayer as it is being with God…thus silence and stillness. In this way, it’s much easier to hear God when He speaks. And He does speak to us, we just have to make space and learn to discern His voice. Don’t we need to hear from Him now more than ever?!
A while before this weekend retreat, I had started trying to ask God questions and listening. One Saturday morning before I got out of bed, I asked God, “how do you delight in me?” The first thing that popped into my mind was a picture of Purrcy and my eyes welled up with tears. If God delights in me like I delight in Purrcy, that says a lot to me. I’ve always been able to love more freely with my pets than I have people. I’m guarded with people, but animals are much easier…less risk of being hurt. God knew just how to answer my question that morning. It was an impactful answer…that He delights in me, He loves me freely with no holds barred. He loves me easily and He can use even a special furry friend to show me.
I hope you are seeing and hearing God in all the places, because He is whispering. He is in all the places around us. As your week or day wraps up, I hope you find space for silence and stillness, even just 2 minutes. For me, this practice helps me combat anxiety and the stress from my crazy, busy life.
After the year we’ve collectively experienced, I found that the solitude and the quiet of being away from others made me very thankful at times because it allowed me to think and re-order my life and then at other times had me in crippling fear and anxiety. The funny thing is I don’t remember writing this prayer as a whole, bits and pieces, yes. When I was reviewing my prayer journal a couple months ago, I came across this prayer I wrote. I’ve re-worded it to hopefully be applicable to anyone, however, I wrote it when my job was in jeopardy. My company went through a massive re-organization last year and I was so scared of losing my job. I asked the Holy Spirit to come and He truly did because I know the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf when we pray and He certainly interceded on my behalf here. Otherwise this prayer wouldn’t be so powerful. I hope that you can save this prayer and pray it when you are crippled in fear and the anxiety won’t go away. I know sometimes when you are crippled in fear it’s hard to find the words to pray. I hope this gives you words to use. He is always with us.
Heavenly Father,
How easy it is to be thrown off track, to become uncentered. The world feels unstable and instead of clinging to you, I run away and hide or busy myself in busyness to ignore it all. I know you are the King of Kings, the creator of all. You are more powerful and mighty than any trouble, any stress, any worry. The devil loves to play his games with my emotions, my doubts, my fears, my vulnerabilities. Holy Spirit I pray you come. Fill me with your peace and joy. Ground me in your truth. Quiet my mind. Make still my nerves. Help me remember whose I am. Help me remember that you and you alone have control no matter the level of chaos. Lord Jesus, in your name, I cast away the worry and fear. In your name, Father, I cast aside the anxiety. Fear does not come from you! Love comes from you. I need this always in my life. I am open to your love, your peace, your spirit. Lord Jesus, in your name this day will not be overwhelming, it will be successful, it will be okay. This day cannot overtake me, it cannot overwhelm me. This day does not have that power and control over me. This day does not have permission to be these things because, Father, you are with me and you created this day and I will rejoice in it. I am grounded in you. I am grounded in your truth. Regardless of the Goliath in this day or in this season of my life and even if I only have a slingshot and a rock, ALL things are possible with you. Truth always stands. Hope is not silent. I am the daughter/son of a King. My worth and value is found in you. You hold my worth and value. Help me to stand grounded in that. Help me to stand firm and not waver. You created me and blessed me with talents and gifts that have a purpose. You have a larger plan, a greater picture than this small piece that I can see in front of me. Help me to rest in you, in your love. Lift my eyes to see you in the midst of the storm. Quiet my mind and fill me with your peace and joy. Holy Spirit come.
Hey ya’ll hey! Happy New Year! It’s a new year, a clean slate. I know some of you are thinking, I’m so glad to have last year behind me! You are looking forward to the new and clean piece of paper to write your new year journey! I am too!
Clean Slate = 2019!
I will be honest, though, I am also a little scared about the new year. I’m scared about the unknowns. I’m always scared of what is to come. Will I face some hardships, will I experience loss in some way, will there be happiness, will there be excitement? My logical brain says the answer to all of these are, “YES”!
I listened to a podcast not too long ago from Christy Wright. She’s the creator of Business Boutique and she’s awesome. The story she shared struck a cord within me and I think it will within you too. I hope that it will help you going into this new year. That sometimes if we’ve experienced the same story over and over, we might need to adjust our lenses. Here’s the story:
“A farmer was tending his crops and a man came walking along the road. The man stopped and asked the farmer, “What kind of people are in the next town?” The farmer replied, ” What kind of people were in the town that you came from?”
“You will find the same type people in the next town…”
The man replied, “they were nice and kind people”. The farmer said, “You will find the same type of people in the next town over.” And the man departed on his way.
The following week, the same farmer was tending his crops and another man was walking along the road and approached the farmer. He asked the farmer, “what kind of people reside in the next town?”
The farmer replied, “what kind of people were in the town that you came from?”
The man replied, “oh, the people in the previous town were unkind, unfair and judgmental.” The farmer stated, “you will find the same type of people in the next town.”
What is the meaning of this parable? What does it speak to you? Sometimes if we are getting the same response from life, we need to change our perspective. Believe me when I say this story stepped on my toes! I have felt this way about different jobs I’ve had in the past. I’ve been frustrated beyond belief and if I take a few steps back, I can see the common denominator is me. If I’ve had a few different jobs and I’m continually frustrated, maybe I need to change my lens and my approach. I need to change something within myself and watch my outward world change too.
Adjust your perspective and you might be able to see your focus more clearly!
So, I say this. If you are frustrated with life and 2018 didn’t go so well. Take a look at the things that you might be able to change going into 2019, like your attitude, making some dietary changes, adding some days in the gym, adding in some time to take care of you, whatever that might be. If you have goals you want to accomplish, make sure you aren’t standing in your own way to complete them. It’s a shift in perspective. Being more positive while shifting away from negativity or maybe stepping away from negative people in your life. You hold the answers! If you’ve been getting the same results out of life, you know when it might be time to change your lens.
I have complete faith that you can change your direction in 2019 and complete everything you aspire to complete. Are you ready to crush your goals? Ready, set…let’s GO!
Every bride dreams of her wedding day. Those dreams usually begin when she’s a little girl. Everything perfect. Every detail thought out completely and executed perfectly. Everything in its place and everything just so. As much as we can dream about a perfect day, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen that way. I’m not one to get hung up on the small details. I’ve coordinated enough events for work to understand that something isn’t going to go as planned, there is going to be something I haven’t thought about and there is going to be something that didn’t get communicated and therefore leading to a failed execution. I’m not so concerned with that. At the end of the day, Jeff and I will be married and that is the most important thing.
There is a particular wedding day circumstance that stays in the back of my mind and I feel the need to share and address it. I know I’m certainly not the only bride that feels this way and my hopes are that by sharing, it may uplift another bride and maybe give her words that she doesn’t know quite how to express. And to be honest, it’s a reminder to myself. Every bride wants to look her best and most brides elect to lose “x” amount of weight before the wedding. I am no different. My goal was relatively small. 10 pounds, I wanted to lose 10 pounds and if I accomplished that, I was going to lose more. The year of 2018 has proven a year of challenges and setbacks and I can tell you I’m walking down the aisle having lost basically zero. I am ok with this and I’m not ok with it. Let me explain.
There’s not a minute that goes by during the day that I don’t think about needing to get a workout in, to make better food choices, to take the stairs instead of the elevator, to park further from the store to get more steps in, to hit 12,000 steps a day….and the list continues. The truth is, even though I’ve been known as the “fitness girl” several years back, sometimes life’s challenges don’t allow you to be “fitness girl”. As I mentioned before, 2018 has been a year of challenges and setbacks. One of which I recently blogged about, Bell’s Palsy. Other challenges I’ve encountered are…hurting my back 3 times which in turn caused incredible discomfort down my left leg. My beloved cat of 16 years had to be put to sleep. The most difficult decision I’ve made and literally shredded my heart. Two weeks after my beloved cat passed, my beloved, 14-year-old dog became extremely ill, having to go to the ER vet 4 times and her regular vet 3 times. My job moved to Midland, TX which meant I had to find another job in Houston, so I changed jobs as well this year. I am not throwing a pity party and these words are not to hash out all the stuff that went wrong this year. The point of all of this is to say that life happens, and you do the best you can with it. It may not look perfect, but it’s the best you can do, and you must be ok with it, even when you aren’t. When your world falls apart and everything is going wrong, you pick up the pieces and put them back together again as best as you can and that’s all that can be expected. So, I say this as a reminder to myself, instead of beating yourself up, remember the fire you’ve walked through. You’ve survived, and you are still standing and own your wedding day! Celebrate it! Life comes in seasons and this is definitely not the season to be at my top fitness level. One day it will be, but not today and I’m ok with that. Love yourself where you are. Enjoy today! Feel the beauty that makes up who you are and radiate that from within because your wedding day will reflect it. What I’m looking forward to most is sharing this special day with our closest friends and family. We will share our love, our united family and what an incredible day it will be! That is a blessing and everything else is just the details. Love who you are today, where you are today! Own it and rock it down the aisle!
Thursday, May 31, 2018 is the day I woke up like any other day to get ready for work…feed my dog, Sophie Bear, pick out my outfit for the day, shower, dress, fix my hair and brush my teeth. It wasn’t until I brushed my teeth that I realized something was wrong with my face. I leaned over the sink to spit out the toothpaste and my mouth wouldn’t work right. My lips went sideways, I couldn’t pucker to spit. Weird, I thought. Maybe I did that wrong? That was my thought. I spit wrong. Even though I’ve been spitting toothpaste in the sink for years upon years. How does someone forget how to spit?! So, I tried again. Same thing. My lips went sideways, I couldn’t pucker to spit. That’s when I really examined myself in the mirror. What’s wrong?!?! My heart started beating a little faster and I was becoming more alarmed by the minute. I then realized my left eye wasn’t closing as firmly as my right. I tried squeezing as hard as I could, and the left side wouldn’t squeeze shut. What.was.wrong?!?! Stroke was the word that entered my mind. I flew out of the bathroom to the mirror in the living room and looked there as if I thought changing mirrors would change the function of my face. I tried puckering my lips and they just looked weird, my pucker wasn’t centered (if that makes any sense). I looked at my eyes again and tried squeezing them shut. The right eye felt strong and squeezed shut as my muscles commanded it to, the left eye was lacking. I was scared! Jeff and I commute into work together and I told him to go without me, I was going to the Urgent Care.
Bell’s Palsy or a stroke?
Among all the frantic thoughts in my head, thoughts of my mom were there too. She suffered from having several mini strokes in her last months. Was this happening to me? What was going on? When I pulled up to the Urgent Care, of course, they don’t open until 8:00 am and I arrived at 7:15 am. Great! Now I get to sit in my car and let my thoughts swirl in my head about what is happening to me. Those minutes ticked by so, so slowly. It was excruciating. Finally, the doors opened. When I was signing in at the front desk, the nurse asked me for the symptoms I was experiencing. As soon as I got out of my mouth that the left side of my face wasn’t working right, she immediately sent me to triage. This only concerned me more and it validated that something was wrong. My body was rebelling against me and it came out of nowhere. The doctor followed right behind me into triage and ran several physical tests like asking me to squeeze her fingers to check for weakness in my hands and arms. She asked several questions like did I feel weakness on one side of my body and asking me to repeat phrases. The only other symptom I had was the left side of my tongue had gone numb the day before. I couldn’t taste on that side, but I didn’t think much of it. The doctor then told me her diagnosis was Bell’s Palsy. “Do you know what Bells Palsy is?”, she asked. “No. Can it be healed?”, I replied in response. The doctor was very gracious in assuring me she had experienced Bells Palsy about 15 years before and often it comes out of nowhere, but it can be caused by a virus that attacks the facial muscles usually on just one side of the face. She urged me, though, to go to an emergency room to get an MRI to rule out the possibility of a stroke.
I left Urgent Care in a daze. I was frantic, heart still racing, yet calm at the same time. Jeff was blowing up my phone, but I didn’t want to talk. I was trying to process what my body was doing and how I was going to spring into action. If you know me well, you know I’m a person of action. I do not take things laying down. I’m proactive to the nth degree. ß All that sounds great, the being proactive stuff, right? Well, yes and no. Here’s the negative part of being so proactive and feeling the need to be in control…I don’t let others care for me. At this point, I’m shutting Jeff out because I don’t know how to deal. I don’t know how to process what’s going on with me and I’m shutting him out. When I finally answer the phone when he calls, he says he’s packing up at work and will meet me at the ER. “No.” I tell him. “I will go to the ER, but I’m going into work first.” Weird reaction, right? I know, thus is the conundrum of me. I am a soldier in the mist of my world falling apart. Pushing onward, not letting myself feel, just doing. Jeff is frantic on the other end of the phone and I start crying as I knew I would and I told him I had to go. I don’t deal well with not knowing what to do. I was struggling to control my own emotions and I didn’t have room for anyone else’s emotions even though Jeff was certainly entitled.
I drove to work. When I got to the parking garage, I pulled out my makeup that I hadn’t put on yet. Tears were still rolling down my cheeks. I pulled the mirrored visor down and looked at my face. My face was betraying me. Even in crying, the left side of my face was not distorting with emotion. It was sort of frozen which made me cry more. What was happening to me? I dried up my tears as much as I could and put on my makeup. Putting on eye makeup was strange and made the tears start to roll again because I couldn’t close my left eyelid to put on eye shadow.
I only checked in at work, talked with my boss, told him what was going on and cried tremendously while telling him. I told him about my mom and the strokes that she had and how concerned that made me. Hearing the word Stoke in reference to yourself is a hard pill to swallow. Jeff met me at my office and we soon left for the ER for the MRI and had the diagnosis of stroke ruled out. I had Bells Palsy and I would experience the symptoms for weeks.
The above is a play by play of how I spent my Thursday morning and afternoon of May 31. What happened after the diagnosis and how I dealt with the blow of my body rebelling against me is what I want to share with you. This is the first sickness I have ever experienced, one in which isn’t curable with a round of antibiotics in a few days and one that isn’t really known by doctors what causes it. No, this would be something that would take weeks to heal. Not to mention, it effects the very part of your body that everyone sees every time they see you. It challenged my faith in ways that I didn’t expect and made me rely on my Heavenly Father in a way that I am unaccustomed. I’m not comfortable relying on anyone really…I’m not good with being vulnerable. I want to be in control and Bell’s Palsy took that from me.
Journal entry from June 10, 2018…
“This has been a very difficult week. I have contemplated my health and body more than ever. I’ve been scared out of my mind, overwhelmed beyond belief and beaten down. I didn’t know being sick would affect me that way. It has rattled me to my core. When your body decides to rebel against you, it’s unnerving. The thing that has scared me and continues to scare me is becoming sick and not being able to live life as I once was able to. So much can be taken away so quickly. No warning. The emotional ramifications of that is profound. In those moments, you realize how much you take for granted all the time. And you realize just how much you aren’t in control. It’s funny how I believe I’m in control all the time or at least most of the time and the reality is I’ve never been in control. I’ve only conned myself into thinking that. Surrendering is hard. Surrendering my strong-will is hard. And this week I wasn’t left with much of anything but surrender. What I mean is I found myself alone, struggling to understand even what the meaning of life is, what happiness is, reflecting on how I’ve been living my life, treating my body, caring or not caring for my body, my emotional wellbeing, utterly overwhelmed and consumed, not able to focus or think or function. Realizing that when you are sick, it’s you and you alone. There’s no other person that can go through it with you. No one else truly knows how you feel. It’s only you. And it leaves you reflecting on your spiritual life, clinging to God because He’s the only one that can go through this with you. Learning to rely on Him is hard. Surrendering is hard, and I don’t like surrendering. I laugh when I say that because God made me after all! He knows I’m stubborn and strong-willed, not going down without a fight, He knows I’ll get scrappy if needed. 🙂 Maybe surrendering is the strongest thing I can do. Asking Him to fill me with His peace and joy. (Romans 15:13) I found myself casting out the evil one’s anxiety and fear in Jesus name because my God is bigger than that. I found myself heavily relying on God to carry me through this. And it’s amazing that at every turn, no matter, the progress in recovery I have made, the evil one is standing by interjecting fear and worry at every turn. The evil one is unrelenting. I wonder if God gets weary of us and our inability to remain faithful even for a few minutes? That’s been another prayer of mine as well, “Lord, please help me in my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24) I do believe, but I am weak. God would show me His healing power by my tongue becoming functional to taste again. My eyelids blinking at the same time, strength coming back to my lips so I could spit toothpaste in the sink from the center of my mouth. Even all these ways He’s showing me He’s taking care of me and I still fear and wait anxiously. Giving it over to Him is hard. All the while knowing He can do so much better at all this than me. Being sick is scary. Being helpless is frightening. I have thought about my mom a lot. She was sick for so long and I’m sure she was scared and felt alone. I regret that I judged her, at times, so harshly. I should have had more compassion. I’m not sure that was possible, but she could have used more compassion all the way around from those around her.
…help me in my unbelief…
Today I feel much improved, but anxiety and worry still take up way too many of my thoughts. I’ve been anxious about my back now after hurting it a few weeks ago. Scared that I may not functionally be able to do some things anymore. Scared of surgery, if that’s even needed, and what that might cause, it’s long term effects. All craziness. I know this logically, but the fear and worry have another agenda. The devil’s mind games.
I know my God does not want me to suffer. He does not want me to worry. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) I want to have a closer relationship with Him. One that I can trust and lean upon Him. Surrender to Him. I have a lot of work to do in this area, with His help, of course. I’m reading a book that talks about soul training. Soul training is practicing those things that will help you deepen your spiritual walk with Him. Kind of like how an athlete practices, the same principles could be applied to the Christian walk. Just like a doctor practices medicine, I think we practice Christianity. We won’t ever perfect our walk, but we sure can get better. I want to have close to my heart the knowing that God loves me, He delights in me. I want to put down the knowing that I have now. I often see God as disappointed in me, displeased with me. A punishing God because I have not done the things I should. All of those negative, ugly ways I was taught about God, I want to put down. I want to know Him as my Father who loves me and cares for me and wants the best for me. He wants me to follow Him, surrender to Him. And I think I’ve been unable to know Him, to follow Him because I’ve been ashamed. Feeling too unworthy to approach Him, unworthy of His love, unworthy to really know Him. Why would God want to know me? I think it’s easy to believe that when you’re sometimes not seen by those who are closest to you. If you’ve ever experienced a loved one that seemingly doesn’t openly delight in you or that’s how you’ve interpreted it anyway. You are left feeling unnoticed and unworthy and unimportant. All lies from the devil in association with God. I pray God’s grace upon my unworthiness. I pray for His help in my surrender to His ways. To lean on Him and not worry. I pray for release from the anxiety, to live in His joy and His freedom. Help me in my unbelief. To be still and know. (Psalm 46:10) To wait because He will fight for me. (Exodus 14:14) His grace and mercy is sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9) God wants me to be happy and live a full life in Him and I should stop living in fear and start doing just that. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) Lord help me to know that, not just logically but in all ways and to rest in You. (Matthew 11:28)”
During church recently I was reminded of a scene in the movie, The Shack. Have you seen it? If not, I recommend that you do. It’s a powerful movie. The scene I’m referring to is the one where Mack is in the boat on the lake. Everything seems peaceful and then his mind starts taking him back to a pivotal point in his life. Playing mind games and then suddenly the boat begins filling with black water and Mack is panicking. Then you hear the sound of Jesus’ voice telling Mack he’s ok. Jesus says, “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.” “Focus on me,” he says. When Mack is finally able to raise his eyes to focus on Jesus, the boat returns as it was and Mack is ok.
Click on the link below to watch the scene from The Shack, the first 2:30 minutes.
Isn’t that how life is? When we are drowning, we are focusing on the pain and the turmoil. If we can lift our eyes to focus on Him…know that He’s there and He will never leave. I struggle to keep my eyes lifted and focused on Him and Bell’s Palsy proved no different. On the other side of Bell’s Palsy, I can see the beautiful picture that God painted for me and how He strengthened my faith. Hardships make our faith strong. “I am made strong in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:5-10) I promise you are too. If you are wrestling with trying times that life has dealt you, I encourage you to lift your eyes and focus on Him as best you can. He’s there and He’s walking beside you.
There is a particular wedding day circumstance that stays in the back of my mind and I feel the need to share and address it. I know I’m certainly not the only bride that feels this way and my hopes are that by sharing, it may uplift another bride and maybe give her words that she doesn’t know quite how to express. And to be honest, it’s a reminder to myself. Every bride wants to look her best and most brides elect to lose “x” amount of weight before the wedding. I am no different. My goal was relatively small. 10 pounds, I wanted to lose 10 pounds and if I accomplished that, I was going to lose more. The year of 2018 has proven a year of challenges and setbacks and I can tell you I’m walking down the aisle having lost basically zero. I am ok with this and I’m not ok with it. Let me explain.
